Forever

I'm the worst blogger ever. I never update anything until I get so overwhelmed and need to get stuff out of my head. Here's a quick update on me.
Marcel came to visit me in August. He ended up coming after all the heartache I wined about earlier. We had a great time. We talked, hung out, went to Six Flags, we kissed, a lot.... I really felt a connection to him. So, fast forward to October.
I flew out to see Marcel October 13th in Salt Lake City. We hung out, again, I met some of his friends, we had a fantastic time. But, he was reserved. He wasn't affectionate at all, and it was strange that he did such a 180 on me. I met 2 of his friends, Roger and Jill. We all took a fun bus to Wendover, NV together. We became fast friends, and we still talk pretty much on a daily basis. Well, I talked to Roger the other night on facebook, and he TOLD me that I like Marcel. He was asking questions about it. I told him that I wouldn't really let myself think about it because of the distance and whatnot. I also said I wasn't sure how Marcel felt about me either.... Roger said he knew but couldn't tell me- rude! So, I called Jill. She told me that Marcel liked me and he hadn't felt a connection with a woman, until me, for a long time. But, with the distance and school, he didn't want to lead me on while I visited him. *sigh* He texted me, randomly, and told me he told Roger that he probably wouldn't date me long distance. I still don't know what that was about, but yeah.
Marcel doesn't text me like he used to, he seems reserved.... I feel like I bug him when I text him and what not, but I just.... I dunno. I just want to know that we have some kind of connection, whether it's just friendship or it could be something romantic. Ahh! I'm single because I'm not brave and can't ask the important questions that need to be asked. That is my downfall. I just wish I could talk to him about it. I'd rather do it face to face, but if it had to be other the phone, through text (blah) or on facebook chat... then I guess I have no choice. I just don't know where to start.

It happened again.

My "husband" from Vegas, Marcel, was going to come see me this week. He said he'd fly in Wednesday afternoon or Thursday morning. I wasn't going to get excited about it, but he was talking about things we'd do and what not, and so I started getting excited. I am excited. Until I got this text message a few minutes ago, "hey 'm not coming to Texas anymore" I responded, "Why?" and he says, "Not being a jerk, I'll just talk to you later hun! have a very wonderful night! ;)" I said, "Ok....." What the hell? No explanation, no nothing... I'm so confused. We were talking about this DVD I made my mom for her 50th birthday. I was telling him how I had one picture out of place and he said, "It'll make for a good laugh for the whole family!! :D " and then he said the "not coming to Texas thing". We were talking about it yesterday and all day today! He seemed genuinely excited, and I know I was.
This ALWAYS happens to me. I always tell myself I'm not going to get excited about something until I know it's a done deal. I shouldn't have gotten excited about it until he gave me his flight itinerary. Fuck me. Fuck me for always having high hopes. I'm tired of always crashing down so hard. For once, I would just like something to go my way... It's not like I was looking to hook up with Marcel or have any kind of romantic relationship with him... I JUST wanted a friendship. We have a lot in common, we share a similar past (not a relationship past). I was just starting to break down my walls that I had built up and letting people back into my trust.... I haven't been crushed like this in a while. *sigh*
I'm not sure what else to say. I guess I'll continue watching this movie (which I rented as a recommendation by Marcel) and then maybe hop in the hot tub... get a drink with an employee that texted me. I dunno. Whatever.

*Sigh*

And the usual happens to me again. I don't know why I act surprised when these things happen, but my heart starts to hurt, and I really feel alone.
I was talking to Marcel on facebook tonight, and we were flirting and what not, and he was telling me that he was going to go cuddle with his Stephanie blow up doll and watch a movie. I asked if the doll had big "reasons" (which is what we call my boobs, lol) and he said "so so". I said, "mine are worth waiting for" and he said, "oh yeah? why's that?" and I said, "because they are mine, and I'm worth the wait". Then he comes back to say:
"honestly....I JUST got out of a long distance relationship....and i'm NOT ready for another one. she lived in california.you seem FANTASTIC and i believe that you ARE worth the wait :)"
Of course I say I understand and that long distance relationships are very hard.
We have a few little jokey comments after this, and then he says he's going to go watch his movie and he says, "k....i'm takin off hun...you're great! have a very wonderful night!! :D"

I know there was no possibility of us getting together, but I, of course, let my mind wonder to the "what ifs" and I started to think about a life with him. This is why I'm single. I jump ahead a gazillion dates when the guy hasn't even asked me out AND lives in a COMPLETELY different state. I'm just a hopeless romantic in a way I guess. I just want to curl up and cry. I'm sad and pathetic.

My "wedding" in Vegas

I just got back from Vegas today. I went with a girlfriend from work. I ended up meeting up with a friend of mine, Marcel, that I have known since 7th grade. We were friends through junior high, and the last time we saw each other was 9th grade, 12 years ago!
So... Marcel was going to Vegas to see his parents and celebrate his 27th birthday. We decided to meet up and make up for loss time. We had a fantastic time. He lives in Salt Lake City. He's still going to school, he's really smart, cute, fun, funny... etc all the good things. He told me that he had a huge crush on me in Junior High- which I thought was too sweet. We started talking and joking around, and then some how... we decided it would be funny to play a prank on all our friends from Germany and say we got married in Vegas. So, we went to the Little White Wedding Chapel. We took all the pictures, kissed.... it was great.
But, now I'm finding myself really having some feelings for him. I know we're not really married. I know he lives far away and we have completely separate lives... but the romantic in me would LOVE for his to be it. For him to finish school, move out to Texas.... get a job here. Move into my house..... I know this isn't going to happen. But, just like everything else in my life, nothing goes as I wish it would.
It's probably cause I'm lonely and all that junk... but I do have a genuine crush on him. *sigh* I dunno what else to say. I wish I could put the wedding pictures on here.
Ok. I don't know what else to say. I'm kinda sad.

Lost

I know it's been awhile since I've written anything, but I really didn't have anything to write about. Since the last time I've written, I have turned 27 and I joined Match.com. That's about it.
I have become more and more unhappy with my job. I work as a manager for a major pharmacy retailer (I'll let y'all put two and two together). I work shift work (meaning I work 8 to 5 or 2 to 11 or 4 am to 1 pm, etc...). I have no consistent schedule (even though I make the schedule, I have to make it fair to everyone). I work weekends consistently. I work all holidays (including Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc). I feel like with the job I have, I have no life. When I work the night shifts, I'm too tired to do anything because I get off at 11 pm. When I work the day shift, I'm happy to go out, but most of my friends cannot go out during the week because of their spouse/kid/job. When I get days off, it's usually during the week, so I have the prior problem. I'm starting the career change process. My Dad is helping me in that process. We are getting my resume together, and I am meeting with the HR person at my Dad's work to just talk and ask questions about HR and get a neutral feel for what I can expect. I love my Dad, but it's hard for him to be impartial because of that. She's not going to give me a job at my Dad's work, she's just being nice and helping me start my journey. Hopefully my Dad and I will have a resume done so I can show her what it looks like and get a feel for what a recruiter thinks of it. I was speaking to a formal employee, and he confirmed something I felt about myself. I mentioned I thought I gave off a "bitch vibe" because I'm just unhappy, and he said, "Yes, I can see that". So, at least I know that I have that I can work on. I just want to seem approachable.
I signed up for Match.com for a month. I have done this before, but it pissed me off. I went on one date with a guy the first time I did this. I stopped hearing from him for a while, and then out of the blue he started texting me again, but by that time, I was kind of seeing someone else. But, what pisses me off about Match.com is.... Men don't read! I put on there I want a man between the ages of 27 and 35, and yet I still get 40 year olds sending me winks/messages! NO! I know age shouldn't matter, blah blah blah, but I don't want to date someone old enough to be my father. I also had some other things in my "preferences" that the men are not paying attention too. I dunno. I think I'm just a little uncertain of the whole online dating thing, so it's hard for me to give my all to it. We shall see.
I'm going to Vegas soon. July 22nd. I'm very excited. I'm going with my friend, Jen. She is one of my employees. I think we're going to have a lot fun- as long as she doesn't talk about work all the time. I'll miss my puppy and my kitty though.
Well, I guess that's it. If there's anyone reading, I'll be sure to update about the job hunt and the man hunt. Night.

Allow me to introduce myself

I am single. I am almost 27 years old, and have zero prospects as right now for a potential boyfriend. All but *maybe* 2 of my friends have a boyfriend/fiance/husband. And it seems all their friends are also in the same boat- making me the perpetual 3rd/5th wheel. Yes. This probably sounds pathetic/sad/desperate, but I have the feeling I am not the only woman in this world who feels this way. I cannot be the ONLY single girl sitting at home, alone, on a Saturday night with no one to go out with because all her friends are out of town with their husbands, on special dates with their boyfriend/fiance, or working. But, it sure as hell feels like it! I want to be kind of a voice for all the single ladies out there. I want to be able to figure out where/how to meet men. I'm tired of friends saying, "You're such an amazing girl! I don't see why you're still single!" Trust me- it's not for lack of trying. I don't enjoy being at home on a Saturday night. I love my parents and all, but I also don't want to spend every night I have off with them either.
As I stated before, I am almost 27. I have 1 cat and 1 dog. I just bought my first house (all one my own mind you). I have a job that I don't love, but it pays all the bills and allows me to live a comfortable lifestyle. I love to travel. I would love to find a job that allowed me to travel- even if it's just to a different city! There's just something about flying in a plane... high above the world like bird. I love it. My sister is getting married in a few months (just another one to add to the pile!), so I've been working out trying to lose weight so I look good for all the pictures and what not. I know there will be no men to meet at this wedding seeing as it's a destination wedding, so not a lot of people can afford to fly to where the wedding is.
I just want to better myself; try to love myself. People always say you can't expect someone else to love you if you can't love yourself. I love myself a little more every day, it's just hard.
It's also hard sitting home alone every night not having anyone to talk to. It's hard when you try to make plans with friends, but they already have things going on/husband/wife says no/no one answers for fear of having to tag along the single one.
I realize I'm jumping from topic to topic. I've just been wanting to write for so long, and I'm only now starting to (obviously since this is my first entry). There's just a lot in my head right now that's all trying to come out at the same time. Maybe this should be a good place to leave my first entry. My puppy is licking my computer screen- I should probably let him outside to avoid having to clean a mess.
I don't know if anyone will read this... but it feels good to start getting all this crap out of my head. Good night all. Sweet dreams.